Divorce 101

Divorce is a topic that I am passionate about because I was with my former spouse for 18 years, and married to him for 14 of those years before divorcing him. I watched the lives of my children torn. I watched the person who was my best friend, lover and life partner become someone I could no longer identify. The pain of divorce was unbearable for me until I decided to do something different. I got myself a coach and counselor to help me navigate that process. Standing in the position of coach myself, I had to do the work of healing so that I could continue to help others heal. I didn’t want another family to suffer the way mine has.
Divorce is a very ugly experience. There are many people who end up inadvertently hurt by being in relationship with those who were once in love and supported one another and everyone around them, unconditionally. They often seem like the perfect couple to some from the outside looking in, and for most marriages that is far from the truth. My marriage ended because of continued adultery. Many ask me the question, ”What is the proper protocol, when the one you love is in love with adultery? They seem to never stop cheating.” Before I answer that question, please allow me to share with you what I believe about what qualifies one for divorce. I am a believer of what the Bible says about the two biblical grounds for divorce: adultery and abandonment by an unbelieving spouse. I also believe that because God is a Father that loves and protects His children, there are other reasons
that He would be willing to forgive divorce. I believe that divorce of any kind is forgivable by God and the key to experiencing His forgiveness is allowing Him access to your heart to help you forgive your former spouse and yourself for the things that bought you to the conclusion of divorce.

Now back to the question, “What is the proper protocol when your spouse commits adultery in your marriage?”. My answer is to fight (with the help of God) for your spouse, your marriage and family until you can’t anymore. I say until you can’t anymore because we are already released in the word of God to divorce our spouse in the face of adultery. However, I do believe that as long as you have a desire to do all you can the Lord will provide you with access to all you need. That was exactly what I did, I fought until I couldn’t anymore. I realized for myself that my spouse didn’t seem to be fighting for us at all, but continuing in the pursuit of adultery and sexual immorality. After four different affairs being revealed in a matter of seven years, I had no choice but to put the oxygen mask on myself first so that could live for myself and to be a support to my children.

I continue to aid myself and my children in the healing process of such a painful experience. I am divorced and still passionate about marriage and the family unit because they are God’s original institutions and foundational to society. Marriage has a handbook called the Bible to seek wisdom from for a successful marriage. Divorce doesn’t come with a handbook, because it was never Gods plan for us. I believe God, by grace, showed me some practical ways to navigate the process of healing through that season of my life and I would like to share a few of them with you.

Tools To Fight For Your Marriage:

• Pray and ask God to help you.
• Communicate what you need from your spouse. They don’t always know what you want them   to do for you.
• Serve them in the ways that make them feel loved and not the way you feel loved.
• Invest in your marriage (counseling, coaching, classes, etc.) in group settings so that you keep             your money to live your dreams together and not pay your money on court fees, attorney fees, child support, alimony etc.
• Be quick to forgive one another and work on rebuilding trust.

Tools For Life After Divorce:

• Pray to God and ask that he help you to navigate your process.
• Be sure to care for yourself, rest, exercise, eat, drink water, get up and get some sun, get a massage etc.
• Answer questions for children if they have questions as best you can.
• Get counseling, coaching and the word of God for both you and your children.
• Be sure to reach out to your community of family, church family and friends for support

I hope you found the practical tools listed helpful. Today they may seem simple and like things you would never forget to do, but these are the things that keep us from isolating, becoming depressed and loosing hope altogether.

–Coach Lo